Help! My Spouse Just Asked for a Divorce (and I Don't Want One)

Whether it seems out of the blue or you have been sensing it for a long time, it is scary to hear your husband or wife say, "I want a divorce." You may be prepared to do anything to save the marriage, including治疗。But your spouse may be saying, “I’m done.”

如果你真的想要avoid divorce, you must demonstrate that you are capable of real change. Think deeply about what has gotten you both to this place. What behaviors are you willing to change to get your marriage on track? Think about what your spouse has probably been complaining about for a very long time. What have you been remiss in hearing?

这似乎是不公平的，你必须做所有的改变。现在，是的，你很可能需要这样做，因为你处于劣势。你需要先改变。但请记住，它没有超过它。甚至配偶说他们想要离婚的往往是有点矛盾的事情。这意味着有希望。

如果你的配偶想要离婚，不做什么

You want the best opportunity to拯救你的婚姻。Many people sabotage this outcome by acting desperate, angry, nasty or vengeful. This is the opposite of what you should be doing. These actions can make it hard to meet your goal of saving the marriage, so work hard to avoid them.

• Acting out：不要疯狂。远离毒品，酒精，酒吧场景，并与他人调情（或更多）。如果你真的想让你的配偶回来，这些行为不会这样做。
• 乞讨: Do not plead, pursue, or pressure your spouse. This will have the opposite effect and turn them off.
• Buying: Do not buy gifts, flowers, and cards to make up or apologize for what you may have done that prompted your spouse to want a divorce. You will not be successful at buying back love.
• 闲聊：不要问家人或朋友鼓励你的配偶留在你身边。与这些人讨论这样的个人事项会让您的配偶扰乱并使事情变得更糟。
• Idealizing：不要指出关于婚姻或你的所有好事。
• 操纵: Do not say "I love you" or ask your spouse to read books about love and marriage. They are not in the mood for this right now, and it will come off as manipulative or pushy.
• Nagging：不要将过多的电话呼叫并向您的配偶发送大量文本，特别是如果在最近破裂之前没有您的模式。不要行动绝望或贫困。
• 需要: Do not trail your spouse around the house like a sad puppy. In fact, do not act like a sad puppy at all.
• 回忆: Do not try to get your spouse to look at your wedding pictures, talk about your early dating days, etc.
• Spying：在您的汽车中跟随它们，检查他们的电子邮件，手机和账单等，不要窥探您的配偶。你需要建立信任，而不是破坏它。

如果你的配偶想要离婚，该怎么办

尝试这些主动步骤来修复您的裂缝，帮助您的伴侣改变他们的思想离婚。最终，目标不仅要避免离婚，而是改善您的关系的健康状况。

• 就好像你会充满信心地前进。无论您的配偶是否与您留下来，承诺这样做。
• 让您的配偶带着问题或疑虑来找你。Sincerely let your partner know that you want to save the marriage, and then be patient about any discussions on the topic. During any discussions, be an活跃和订婚的倾听者。
• Be your best self。这不是崩溃的时候，进入愤怒，或者得到报复。鼓起你可以的最佳态度。
• 表现得很尊重你的配偶。也有自尊。
• Do not engage in arguments。Don't take the bait if your spouse tries to get you to argue. You may even have to walk away. (If your spouse claims that you “always walk away,” state that you would be happy to stay and have a civil conversation. Then do it.)
• 得到帮助。阅读自助或自我改善书籍或看到一个万博ManBetX原生appcounselor(with experience with couples).离婚补救措施通过麦克风helle Weiner-Davis (available for purchase on Amazon) is a good book for your circumstances.
• 给你的配偶一些空间。不要质疑他们的下落或时间表。
• Keep busy。Continue your day-to-day activities, and maybe even add some new ones: Go out with friends, family and your children. Visit a place of worship, try a new hobby, get some exercise. Continue living, despite what happens with your marriage. You may invite your spouse to join you, but do not react negatively if they decline. Do not change your intended plans.
• 跟上你的外表。You may feel very down and bad about yourself, but ignoring basic hygiene will make this worse (as well as being unappealing to your spouse).
• Let your spouse see you as content。你的心情会波动，但找到一个不是你的配偶的困难感情的出口。通常，这是治疗师或辅导员。

A Word From Verywell

Making positive changes, regardless of whether your marriage ultimately works out or not, is always a good idea. Chances are there are somebehaviors or traits you havethat would be problematic in most relationships. Working through them will help improve your ability to connect and communicate with a romantic partner (whether it be your current spouse or someone new).