Setting Boundaries With Addicted Grandparents

时代已经改变了。在20世纪70年代，20世纪80年代，甚至是20世纪90年代，幼儿的父母吸烟并不少见喝含酒精饮料周围。虽然一些还在做,很多年轻的爸爸rents choose not to drink or smoke at all, and rightly so. Recognition of the health harms of二手烟关于婴儿和儿童，对角色模型对未来行为的影响的认识使年轻的父母劝阻饮酒和吸烟。

但对于在整个成年人生命中吸烟的祖父母，现在在60年代，70年代或更年纪大中，许多人认为他们不需要戒烟。

有些人相信吸烟和饮酒的风险被夸大，因为他们认为他们没有被诊断出患有严重疾病，他们身体健康。

Hard though it is to understand, even some of those who have been diagnosed with serious illnesses, including conditions directly related to smoking and drinking, refuse to change their behavior concerning these substances. Yet it can be difficult for younger parents to confront their own parents, or even ask them not to drink or smoke around their grandchildren, for fear of offending or angering their parents.

The Need for Boundaries

Settingboundarieswith parents are difficult for the adult children of people with all kinds of addictions.

The roles are reversed when you set boundaries around your parents' behavior. Setting boundaries around parents smoking are particularly difficult, because smokers cling to their "right" to smoke while exposing your child to increased risks of smoking themselves, and of the health risks of secondhand and third-hand smoke.

如果您的父母饮料，并且在您的孩子或儿童周围陶醉，酒精会更为问题。虽然过去几代人可能会“笑，”父母现在更了解饮酒对年轻人的影响。如果奶奶或爷爷这样做，但愿意不仅可以想到饮酒，但如果奶奶或爷爷，但醉酒可能会导致不恰当的语言或行为，这可能导致一系列结果，从尴尬到滥用。

为你的父母找借口几乎不起作用。孩子们can sense their parents' discomfort, and it can be difficult to explain away your parents' behavior to your children, or even to回答他们对他们祖父母的行为的问题以一种感觉诚实和信息的方式。允许这些行为继续导致家庭中的裂谷，最终可能会影响你对孩子的感受，他们对他们的祖父母共度时光。

As an adult child, you are no longer obliged to follow your parents' instructions or to tolerate their unacceptable behavior. As a parent, you have a责任保护自己的孩子免受烟雾的有害影响，看到一个有影响力的成年人，他们的祖父母，吸烟或饮酒。因此，您必须与父母吸烟设定边界以保护您的孩子。

When to Set Boundaries

Before you assert yourself with your parents, It is helpful to get clear on exactly what you find unacceptable, the reasons for this, and what you would like your parents to do instead.

您的父母之间存在很大的不同，在孙子们面前亮起，或在当天的早期饮酒，并变得陶醉和暴力。如果你的任何一个父母对你或你的孩子变得侵略性，暴力或口头辱骂，你应该撤回你的孩子在他们的行为变化之前与他们一起度过任何时间，或者你的孩子成为成年人。

同样，您不应该让您的孩子与使用的祖父母共度时光illicit drugs. Doing so exposes your child to the modeling of drug using behavior, making it more likely your child will use drugs him or herself. Children can also be harmed by accidentally or experimentally using drugs themselves, which they may be able to do if they are in an environment where drugs are taken. They can also be hurt or infected by paraphernalia such as lighters and needles.

Choosing a Safe Location to Meet

You may find that your parent is more respectful of your boundaries in your home than in their own home or in some public places more than others. Choose your meeting locations accordingly, and don't give in to pressure from your parent to come to them, only to have them smoke around you and your child because it is "my house, my rules."

您也可以通过选择儿童的地方与父母共度时光，避免与父母的对抗，在那里您的父母将不容易甚至可能吸烟，饮料或使用药物。有许多公共场所提供适合家庭的娱乐和活动，这些活动不允许吸烟或公共醉酒，例如商场，图书馆，游乐场，餐馆和电影院。选择这些地点的巨大优势，并在内部与父母相遇，而不是在建筑物之外，这将被你以外的人照顾。

That way, when you communicate the location of choice, you can explain to your parent that the activity was something your child has specifically asked to do with their grandparent. This can be an effective way of keeping your child away from your parents' bad influence, while at the same time, encouraging them to develop a close relationship.

How to Set Boundaries

When setting boundaries with your parent, start with the most gentle boundary setting, and work up to more assertive and rigid boundaries only if your initial efforts fail.

First attempt:Ask your parent not to smoke or drink in front of your child (or in front of you if it bothers you). If your first attempt is successful, and your parent does not smoke or drink in front of you or your child, you don't need to set any further boundaries.

第二次尝试：如果您的父母在您的孩子面前吸烟或饮料，请提醒他们以前的要求，并说如果他们坚持吸烟或饮酒，那么您将让您的孩子远离他们的存在。如果您认为您的父母将以爆炸性的方式做出反应，您可能会选择脱离您的孩子，这样您就不会让您的孩子扰乱，或者打开自己的父母（如“的操作，您让孩子们烦恼！“）。

Follow up with a frank discussion with your parent, perhaps on the phone, about how important it is to avoid exposing your child to secondhand smoke, or to alcohol, and suggest trying to work out an agreement whereby they can refrain from smoking or drinking during a specified period of time, or in a situation that will allow your parent to take a "smoke break" away from your child. But remember, third-hand smoke—which refers to the particles and gases that are left over after a cigarette is extinguished and remain on virtually any surface in an area where someone has smoked—also carries risks to your child.

Final attempt:If your parent continues to smoke or drink in front of your child, or engages in manipulations to pressurize you into tolerating them smoking or drinking, I would suggest you limit physical contact between your parent and your child. This might seem harsh and may be distressing for both of them, but it sends a clear message about the importance of this issue.

What it boils down to is how much your parent values time with their grandchild—if they care about spending time with your child, they will quit or at least restrain their smoking. In spite of what your parent may say, they are fully capable of functioning without smoking or drinking, even if it is for a brief period of time, such as an hour or two, which is typically as long as most young children will want to be engaging in an activity.

如果您的父母对尼古丁沉迷了，他们可以使用尼古丁替代品during the time they are with your children, such as nicotine gum or a nicotine patch. And if they are unable to function for a short period during the day without alcohol, it is likely that they have a very serious problem with alcohol.

来自粗糙的一个词

It can be hard to stand up to your parents. You don't want to embarrass them, nor do you want to provoke an argument, particularly one you can't win. However, it is worth persevering to find a way to bring your parents and children together for the sake of their relationship, without exposing your children to their harmful influence.